In my role as a spiritual director, I have the privilege of working with more than thirty different clients every month. All of my directees identify somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, and as you can imagine, we talk about a wide range of things going on in their lives.
Spiritual direction is an opportunity for us to sit together in God’s presence, to intentionally slow down and open ourselves up to the Spirit’s guidance. I get to be a “friend for the journey” as someone explores their life and their relationship with God. I get to cultivate safe and sacred space, to listen deeply and compassionately, to ask thoughtful questions and to reflect back what I am seeing and hearing in my client’s responses. And over time, I get to be a witness to what God is doing in their story. As I drop into their life for an hour every month, sometimes I can remind them of how far they’ve come. Sometimes I have a perspective that they simply cannot have. It’s a precious relationship, and I’m so grateful that I get to live out this beautiful, healing practice day after day.
Although I work with many queer people and we talk about many different things (many of them difficult and painful), today I want to talk about the particular pain gay men feel when their fathers cannot accept them because of their sexual orientation.
I’m sure millions of words have already been written about this phenomenon, some of them helpful and many of them not. I remember during my years in “conversion therapy” being told that I was “struggling with same-sex attraction” because my relationship with my dad was somehow inadequate and if I could just figure out how to get my need for masculine affection and attention met in a “healthy” way, I would slowly “be healed” from my “sexual and relational brokenness.” This, of course, turned out to be pseudoscientific nonsense. I’m just a gay man, and my relationship with my father has nothing to do with this.
But oh, how we long for acceptance from our dads, don’t we? We all do! Every child wants to have their dad’s affection and encouragement. Every child wants to know their dad is proud of them.
It’s especially difficult for those of us who have Christian dads who do express their love, admiration and pride – as long as they don’t know the whole truth about us.
I was talking with a client of mine last week. He is a lifelong faithful Christian. He was raised in the church by his pastor father. He went to a Christian college. He has faithfully attended church and served in ministry settings for most of his life. He has slowly, painstakingly studied the scriptures and come to an affirming stance for himself. He has been in therapy and spiritual direction. He has slowly built a loving community of queer Christians around himself. He is ready to start dating and perhaps find a partner for himself. He wants to love and be loved. He is hopeful and excited about his future.
Except. He is terrified to come out as gay to his non-affirming family. Now, I understand that this is a tale as old as time. He and I have talked about how generations of LGBTQ+ people have had to face this fear. He knows that he stands on the mighty shoulders of queer folks who have gone before him and paved the way. He knows that he is surrounded by the great cloud of queer witnesses. But it’s one thing to come out in theory. It’s another thing to actually do it.
And here’s the thing: This young man is so wonderful. He’s the same age as one of my sons, and I would be proud to have him as one of my children. He’s accomplished in his education and career. He’s thoughtful and loving. He cares deeply about his relationship with God. It’s heartbreaking to think that his father might think any less of him because he chooses to tell the whole truth, to let his dad know the whole story of who he is.
So at the end of our session, I did something a little unusual, I spoke from my heart directly to him. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it went something like this… and I want to say it to anyone who needs an affirming dad today. I wish I could look you right in the eye and say:
You are an amazing person. You are smart and thoughtful and successful, and I’d be proud to have you for my own child. Your sexual orientation/gender identity is simply another part of you. I wouldn’t change it even if I could, because I wouldn’t change anything about you.
You are worthy of love and care and happiness. I want you to pursue the things that bring you life and joy, and I’ll do what I can to support and encourage you as you pursue your best life. I know things may get difficult sometimes, but I’ll be here in the hard times too. You never have to face life alone.
I’m so proud of you.
