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We’re everywhere, you know. We are your brothers, your sisters, your teachers, your uncles, your aunts, your children, your grandparents, your Uber drivers, your barbers, your favorite actors and singers and writers and yes, even your pastors.
And as Harvey Milk famously said, “Once they realize… that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and for all.”
It’s National Coming Out Day, and you’ve probably seen a bunch of baby queers celebrating with rainbows and unicorns on social media today. I celebrate with them! I’m always happy to see people come bursting out of the closet. You can live in a closet if you have to, and I know some people do indeed have to. But eventually many of us outgrow those closets and need to find our way out of them.
I guess I’ve been out of my closet for 8 whole years now. It’s been quite a journey. I wrote my first version of this post back in 2018, when I was just a little over a year out of the closet. And then the following year, I wrote a little more deeply about my intersecting identities as a gay Christian man. In 2022, I wrote my love letter to closeted queer people to remind you that you’re queer enough, in or out of the closet, and then last year, I talked about why representation matters so much and tried to remind us all that there are as many ways to be gay as there are gay people!
Today I’ve been reflecting on the week I’ve had and the incredible diversity of the queer people I have the privilege of working with through my nonprofit organization, Common Sanctuary.
Monday night I led my queer contemplative spirituality group. This was the “allies welcome” version of the group, and we’ve been meeting every other Monday night since 2021. (The LGBTQ+ only version of the group has been meeting on the opposite Mondays since 2019!) We “come as we are, experience God and see what happens,” and I was particularly moved by our lectio divina practice that evening. Our group comprises many different people from around the country, mostly queer and many out, but not all. What we share is a desire to experience God together in community and to hold space for and with each other as we share about our lives and our experiences of God. It has become precious safe space for many of us to process our intersecting identities in a loving, judgment-free environment.
On Tuesday night, I had my monthly spiritual direction session with James, who I wrote about in 2022’s post. James is the closeted African man with a wife and children who will likely never come out publicly, but who has been learning to accept himself as a gay man and let go of his internalized homophobia and shame and accept his sexuality as a good gift from God. Since I wrote my post two years ago, James has continued to take huge steps forward. He has found safe ways to build connections with other queer people in his city, and he is feeling like even he can contribute in meaningful ways to the cause of queer liberation and justice as he continues to learn to love himself as God loves him.
On Wednesday morning, I had the privilege of meeting with Rev. Emily Hansen Curran, a church planter from Berkeley, who is getting ready to launch a new affirming, accessible Episcopal church in the East Bay. She and I shared stories about our spiritual and coming out journeys, and I was so moved by her heart for God and for helping to create safe spaces for queer people to explore their faith. Check out her new venture here
On Thursday morning, I had a Zoom session with a spiritual direction client of mine who is getting married in January. He and his fiance have invited me to officiate their wedding, and I couldn’t be more honored. I’ve walked with this client over the last three years, as he navigated coming out publicly, leaving his non-affirming church job, finding new employment, starting to date men for the first time, despairing of ever finding “the one,” and then… falling in love and getting engaged! What a joy to bear witness to this story, and now to get to stand up with him and officiate his wedding.
Last night, I had the last session of my latest support group for queer men in mixed-orientation marriages. I’ve been amazed, once again, at how quickly this group of six men has come together and shared their authentic selves with one another. There’s a lot of diversity in the group in terms of age, years married, number of children, life experiences and so on. Some men intend to stay in their marriages. Some have already filed for divorce. Some are already out publicly. One isn’t even out to his wife. And this simply reflects the reality of the diversity of the queer experience. We are a microcosm of the thousands of mixed-orientation marriage experiences all around the world. These men have become so dear to me, and I look forward to diving into our “2.0 level” session next week.
This morning I met with a group of 6 people on Zoom to hear a proposal from a group of young queer activists in Uganda led by Hans Senfuma. We were also graced with the presence of Frank Mugisha, a Nobel Prize nominee and well-known human rights activist. These brave young people are working hard to provide safe spaces for queer people in Uganda, where draconian anti-homosexuality laws make it incredibly difficult to be queer, let alone come out in any meaningful way. I have agreed to help them with some fundraising, and I hope to have a GoFundMe up and running in the next 24 hours to help them raise the $30K budget they need for a year’s worth of operating expenses.
Finally, this afternoon, I had a lovely reunion with an old friend of mine. We hadn’t talked in a few years, so we had lots to catch up on, but he said something that really caught my attention, and I asked him to write a paragraph that I could include in this post. You see, Scott is a closeted gay man. He is still married to his wife, still working in a non-affirming church, still planning to stay in the situation for the rest of his life. Scott and I used to work together, and for many years, we were very supportive of each other as we had very similar lives and situations. Our paths diverged back in 2016, when I chose to end my marriage, leave our denomination and come out of the closet publicly.
But here’s the interesting thing. You’d be wrong if you thought Scott is a miserable “closet case.” That’s the thing about us queer people. We’re an incredibly diverse bunch, and there is no “one right path” that each one of us must follow. Scott has found so much peace, so much hope, so much freedom, so much richness in his life, simply by coming out to himself ten years ago. Read these powerful words:
Ten years ago this month I called up my friend Matt and said to him, “I’m going to tell you something you already know. I’m gay.” That morning was the first time I’d actually spoken those words to anyone, and I said them with more than a bit of trepidation. I had no idea what coming out to myself would mean for my life, for my relationship with God, or for my own well-being. But what an amazing, wonderful ride it’s been! That day for the first time I finally understood how much God loves me, not in spite of my sexuality, but with it as a part of me God has always known and loved. Only when I finally acknowledged who I was to myself, was I able to see myself as God saw me. With those blinders off it was immediately clear that my being gay had never been a problem for God. Because God loved me just as I was, I could love and accept myself too and for the first time fully embrace who God created me to be. I’m so grateful for these last ten years of freedom, self-acceptance, and deep love I’ve felt from God as I’ve been able to fully embrace who I am!
Now, coming out to yourself might not be enough for you. As an enneagram 7, ENFP, verbal processor extrovert, I needed to tell the WORLD, honey! But it’s enough for Scott. And he’s part of our queer community just as much as I am. Coming out to himself has made all the difference in the world for him.
So on National Coming Our Day 2024, you do you. What do you need? What do you want? I often tell my clients that my hope and prayer for them is to be integrated… to see all the parts of themselves that they have kept walled off from each other come TOGETHER into one whole, healthy person. That might be something that happens publicly, or it might be something that happens in a quiet, private way. And that’s a decision that only YOU can make.
How can I help? Please reach out on social media or email me anytime. You’ve got this.
